this life causes me so much pain that it is almost unbelievable that i am able to bear it... just slightly.
i cant handle it for much longer. my body and soul ache to be with the rest of them. everyday is a constant struggle just to wake up, breathe and be alive. i feel like everyone is mocking and laughing at me, they all see me as some playtoy. i am barely making it through life, i dont think i am going to make it soon. there is too much sorrow and suffering on this earth.
graduation is tomorrow & instead of the cheerful exciting mood im supposed to be in, all i feel is a emptiness and lonely feeling. not because im gonna miss school but because of the fact that i know that i have nowhere to go in life and nothing to look forward to. i am just transparent in everyones lives. i know if i leave and never look back, no one will look for me nor miss me and this is such a horrible feeling. i am so tired... so sick... so annoyed and enraged by this life that i live.
the hatred i have towards humans is unreal. everyday is hell being in a world
with them. all i feel is HATE when i see them. i hate how they can percieve me and form opinions and thoughts about me. i can only stand about 4 people here in this planet and the rest i just want to go away. hmm... i feel sorry for them... those 4 people. but who knows what their reactions will be like once im gone. i wonder what everyones reactions will be but i cant get too full of myself, i am too fucking frustrated with life and what it has caused me and made me feel. i am so tired.. so insanely tired. i cant think, i cant concentrate, i cant speak properly, i cant do anything right.
"My thought today is that it's better to exist forever in people's minds than just living 70 years."
- Guilherme Taucci 4/28/17
i wish i could disappear forever. i feel like such a disappointment to everyone.
everytime i walk into a room full of people i just want to hide away from everything
and cry. i cant stand them - these creatures. these beings. how do i get over this?
i cant. i just cant. its so hard living pretending like you enjoy life and maybe im
horrible at pretending because i dont pretend and i feel and look like the face of
gloom. i was born into melancholy and thats how ill end. i am at my own despondency.
i just wish someone would put me first. the thoughts are getting so incredibly hard to
control. im not getting out of this alive. i know it. i feel it deep down to my core.
these nightmares i always had are coming to real life. the only person i want to be
with is A. hes the only one that will make me happy and comforted. i need him so bad.
whats the point of life if i cant be with him? this existence is nothing for me. i cannot
stand anyone on this planet. i am nothing. i was born nothing and i will end nothing.
i just have so much frustration right now. i simply cannot think of the right words to describe
the pain im in right now. you will never come close to how i feel. no one will ever.
i have been through so much and for what? for absolutely nothing. life is full of suffering.
you, whoever is reading this, are so much stronger than i. i am dead inside. i have so much
hatred in my heart. pain developed into hatred. this life was never for me
& i cannot imagine living more than 2 decades in this shithole.
"I never did develop into a real person and I cannot tolerate the false and empty existence I
have created. I am no longer interested in the world and know that it is not interested in me.
When you stop growing you are dead. I stopped growing long ago."
- john doe.
i dont know how much longer i can take this. i am starting to hate everyone
& everything. i cant name a single thing i like about life. i feel more alone
each day. a knife is pulling and ripping apart me every single second & i am
beginning to become more weak. i feel incredibly irritated with my life. i just
want to run away and leave this place. the voices run through my mind everyday
"just fucking do it." it is awfully hard to ignore them. how much longer can i stay
& take it? not much longer. envy is all i feel for people who are dead & i am
tremendously unlucky to be living such a god awful life. anger is all i feel writing
this. i just want to rip my skin and cry and cry and cry more. what the fuck?
i am so out of touch with reality and
this world that i am beginning to believe i do
not belong here. i have learned that so long ago though.
my true form is not this body nor is it here. i know it has
to do something with this strange force that has been guiding
me & pulling me into bliss. i am experiencing something i
cannot understand. this entity wants me back and it will keep
on pushing and forcing me until i finally collaspe and dissolve.
the hatred i have for humanity is so deep & rooted to my core. it's
unimaginable how much hate i have in my body for them. it
actually makes me sick how something like them were created and still are
walking among this earth. i keep telling the gods and beyond "why"?
but i know the answer to that is something i will never be able to comprehend.
"do not keep trying to find a way to ignore the longing.
it is there for a reason. find a way to make it work for you.
once you've found something that has drawn you in so closely
and intimately, something that has lit an everlasting fire within
you, you've found your purpose. now all there is to do is follow
it until the very end. that is the only way to live a fufilled life."
- L.B
i find it very bizarre knowing i wont make it to 21. im 18 now
and the thought of being older than him is frightening. its so
eerie speaking to people knowing that they will soon know they
had been talking to a girl who committed suicide. im curious to
know how ill be percieved after death. its just so tiring waiting for
the day, i have the exact date on my mind. i just dont know how
im gonna do it. too much shit is inside my brain. so much shit is going
on inside me and i dont know how to deal with it. every single second
of the day is suicidal thinking and its gotten so much
harder to distract myself. i honestly dont know how much
longer i can do this. the desperation to kill myself is
getting bigger each day.
i feel disconnected from reality. i dont feel real. i belong in a different
dimension where everything will go my way. i know it. i can feel it.
i feel angels looking down on me. i feel their presence. their souls.
the absolute pain i have to go through every fucking day
is astonishing. i feel weak. i have no self control. no will
to live. i’m worth nothing & i know no one will mourn
my death when it arrives. i wish i had someone
or something that made me feel worth staying for.
but i don’t. so many people have gave me reasons to
suspect im nothing to them. my head hurts so
badly from everything - all the pain, suffering, self
destructive habits. it’s like an everlasting cycle. wake up
and do the same exact thing everyday. i’m too
afraid to get it over with. i’m afraid of the pain
but then again, if i do it correctly - i won’t feel anything.
i hope the afterlife gives me some sort of relief, i wish and long
for my freedom out of this terrible earth, filled with so much
evil and cruelness.
for you
maybe in another life me and you can be
the happiest souls out there… we can be
angels. you are an angel and i know u are
waiting for me out there and soon i
will join you at last. ~ for A, my love.
tried so many things, tried to be happy but i still
can’t seem to feel like i really belong in this world.
i’d like to believe there’s an afterlife ; a realm of souls where we
are guided by advanced spirits and guided from there. that’s
a belief i have so i won’t be scared of the afterlife. but the
only scientific thing that makes actual sense
is that we go into nothingness . it will just be like before
u were born except forever ; infinitely.
i’ve been trying so fucking hard to be satisfied
with my life and i’m still not happy. i can’t believe this is my life.
i wish everything and everyone would go away and i can be with the ones i love.
yet they’re all dead and that’s not happening anytime soon.
i am barely holding into life. this string is getting looser every single day.
© 1999 - angelike